I like to read the advice columns to see what kind of problems are showing up, and I pay particular attention to relationship issues of the kind I talk about here. I’m distressed by the number of times the columnist misses big clues to the real problem.
Today it was Dear Abby, who got a letter in which the woman said that she and her husband had a fight, he left for 3 hours and when he came back he screamed at her for an hour before he went to bed. So the wife went though his text messages and his email and found he was telling his ex-wife he still loved her.
All Abby talked about was the supposed infidelity. I thought that was the least of the woman’s problems.
First, why would anyone want to stay with someone who screams at them for an hour? Why would this woman choose a man like that? Second, why would the wife be checking his mail? Is there a trust issue, perhaps? It’s silly to think that this behavior on both of their parts just started with this fight.
My question to the wife would have been, “Why did you create a relationship like this? What’s in it for you?” And if she denied creating it, my next question would have been, “Then why have you stayed? Do you think relationships are supposed to have lots of screaming, yelling and infidelity? Why did you ask for advice when a healthy woman would have just ended the relationship?”
The woman obviously has a dysfunctional relationship pattern going on. She still thinks it’s him that’s the problem, and when she marries the next one who’s just like him she’ll think all men are like that. All men aren’t, but all the men she picks will be, unless she gets better help.
I wish Abby had a clue about patterns.
